was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
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Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating