If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
You Might Also Like
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall