An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
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Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂