I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
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She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
shampoo implies shampee
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
🍞🦆
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*