I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
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Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
Kentucky names the shit out of places
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees