I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
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Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.