Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
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You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s
my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried