*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
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i wish we could shoplift online
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!