Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
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One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.