“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
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We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.