[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
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How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?