A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
You Might Also Like
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.