I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
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me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
🛁
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!