Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
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First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting