my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
You Might Also Like
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool