When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
You Might Also Like
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing