Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
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Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart