Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
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I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
bears
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
*seductively peels off lederhosen
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.