I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
You Might Also Like
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
I’m listening
Okay me first
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.