2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
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I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
who did the taste test?
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress