I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
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It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks