I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
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This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted