My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
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got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.