One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
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I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.