If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
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Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
me opening up to someone
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”