Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
You Might Also Like
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE