The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
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My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.