broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
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I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.