Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
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TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
I love the National Park Service.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.