Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
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There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.