Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
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One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?