[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
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*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
i’m sure it’s fine
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them