Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
You Might Also Like
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Festive toon…
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
*exercises sarcastically*
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.