Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
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Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
❤️❤️❤️
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog