Always 🥴
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When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex