The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
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“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.