Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
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Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
Cndnsd Mlk
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.