Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
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Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
Close call…
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.