[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
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Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
Going into Monday like
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Yup
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
They’re really bad with fonts.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch