DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
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The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat