Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
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My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me