Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
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-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.