“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
You Might Also Like
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Vodka burrito was a success
i could never be president. im overqualified.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.