[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
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Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.