[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
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My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to