When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
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Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening