ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
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My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.