Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
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Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!