There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
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Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
Barbie gone wild
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no