PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
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If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.